Okay- it's been March since I last posted. Spring, Summer and almost Fall have passed. We just celebrated Thanksgiving. Jonathan is THRIVING at PASH. I'm enjoying him there, but man, it can be demanding, homework-wise and in terms of the amount of communication, and the number of events and volunteer opportunities that you feel pressed to participate in - especially because we were blessed with such a huge financial package. On top of that, I met with Headmaster Rik Dugan and spilt that I traveled to Paris last year for the Marathon AND that we lived there btwn 2014-2015. Not sure how that will look for me this go around with getting financial assistance. Our first go in Paris was possible cause I gutted my retirement. The 2nd time cause I was making a nice penny at my temp gig at Intuit, and not really doing what is proper savings wise. I had never intended to send Jonathan to private school. This is purely a God thing. He put PASH in my focus and opened door after door for him to get there. As I see it, He will keep the door open and make it possible for us to get the funds we need for Jonathan to continue attending...I hope.
Other stuff: Well, Mrs. Lee found out through my dad (on a visit to someone else at Parker McCarrick - now Parker Somerset) that we wanted to sell the home. Mrs. Lee and her husband were the former owners of my neighborhood Dari Delite ice-cream parlor. A place that has been behind our home since we moved here in 1972. They owned it for 30+ years and just sold it to a nice Muslim family. Well, she's been trying to convince Isa, the new owner, to move closer to the parlor, since it's open late hours and would help with his commute. He has a wife and three young children. Once she found out we were selling, she told Isa. He came to look with the Lee's and then with his wife, youngest child, a sweet little girl, and his dad (who is the actually money man in the family). He gave us an offer the next day and we accepted. The Lee's counseled from experience since they also ended up moving nearby - a house down from us - about 25 years ago. Anyway, today the home inspector came and it went well. Isa's taking it as is, which is an answer to prayer - as is my doing a direct sell by owner to a buyer, without a realtor and the associated commission fee. God is good. He truly worked things out for us. The closing is 1/5/19.
Another blessing is that Jonathan and I have been timely approved - or we're believing all the verifications of income and investments, etc. will be fine so we are approved - for that moderate income apartment complex in Skillman - the one we almost got into in 2016 but had to walk away from cause I got the high-paying Intuit gig. This time w'ere not on the side I originally got (street side). We'll be facing the parking lot. Worst - it's not brand spanking new, where we're the first ones in it. Royally PISSES ME OFF. Beggars can't be choosers, but I'm still pissed off that we could have been in a beautiful, brand new apartment for the past two years. However, maybe if we were, I wouldn't have gotten the financial package cause I wouldn't of had as moving a story for Jonathan's application to PASH. I don't know. Overall it's a blessing - but the pissed-offness sullies it a bit.
And basically that's what this blog post is about. Yes, blessings upon blessings. Gratitude upon Gratitude. Thankfulness, Thankfulness. I want to be the Joyce Meyer she is today who laughs at inconveniences and trials. But I'm not there yet. Prayerfully, I'll get there. But right now my main issue is my mother and the fact that she can seemingly no longer do these things for herself:
Clean-up her bathroom
Shower herself
Dress herself without putting on the same outfit every day
Stop herself from soaking dirty underwear or washcloths in the sink
UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! I HATE ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!! JUST ABSOLUTELY DESPISE THEM!!
I don't have an issue with driving her around, making sure she's fed, making sure she gets her hair did handling her bills - especially since we've been living rent free since September - and I guess I shouldn't have a problem with all the rest because of that very reason in expensive-ass NJ. I'm a supposed child of God, saved and washed by the blood, so I should have compassion and mercy on my mom. She can't help that she can't do any of those things anymore. BUT I DON'T CARE. I'm sorry. Maybe there is something egregiously wrong with me. Just evilly wrong with me. But I just wish she could still wash her own ass and remember to do it on a regular basis. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE HER SHOWERS! AND I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE TO DO IT, EITHER, CAUSE HOW FRIGGING DEHUMANIZING IS THAT FOR HER!!
To be honest, what I hate most is that she has to deal with any of that and that we have to deal with it with her! WHY THE HELL HER AND MY DAD!! He shouldn't have had to deal with it either if he were here at home. What a frigging burden that would have been for him after dealing with all her countless illnesses and surgeries these past 20 years. He's better off where he is, to be honest. And of course he isn't.
WHY DID THEY GET HAND SELECTED TO HAVE SUCH SHITTY YEARS in their elder years. We have all these people around us thriving. Driving, traveling, going to the theater, going out for lunch, shopping - enjoying their senior years. But no - 2013 was the shittiest year on earth for all of us and it hasn't gotten any better - save for Jonathan. And I guess that's just the way it's supposed to be. We're passing on and he's moving up into the calling the Lord has for him.
So, my mom will get into assisted living-memory care and I can only pray she does okay. She can barely do anything on her own for her daily care. She puts on her makeup, does remember her teeth -sometimes - does remember her hair - and remembers to dress - though usually the same outfit for several days in a row. She remembers to wash her sheets. Great. FATHER CAN YOU HELP HER TO REMEMBER MORE - LIKE - get in the shower a few days a week and wash your body!!
I FRIGGIN HATE DEMENTIA.I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!! Please Lord God almighty, give me my dad's brain. Period. Just make sure I did not get his insane ish that is consuming my mother's mind and stealing her last years. Why decent women like her and Mrs. Chiles had to be attacked, I don't know. JUST HORRIBLE!! But horrible for me, too, cause I AM TRAPPED into continuing to oversee and care for two ADULTS and I have no desire to do so. I want to live my life with Jonathan. Why couldn't they have just gotten old together and died of regular issues, while still living on their own on the outside?
Oh, and on top of all that, my dad has a diagnosis of cancer in his ureter and associated issues with Kidney function. We don't find out what will be done treatment wise until December 7. In the meantime, we're praying and believing for HEALING!! I have a word that my father would live until at least 93. So that's 11 more years on earth. God, you can do it!!
Anyway, I thought venting here would help. It hasn't. I still feel shitty and still hate my shitty situation.
It is what it is. If you, Father, could help to alleviate this pressure by bringing me the financial help I need, that would be a HUGE help. I need at least 10000 if not 15000. I need these funds to flow into my life before the end of November. I need you to move on my behalf in a miraculous fashion. And please don't seek my perfection, in either word, action, or thought. It's not gonna happen. I'm asking based on Jesus who I believe died for me and lives for me and lives to intercede for me. Answer my request by Jesus alone so that it is He who gets all the glory, honor and praise!! I need these funds. Father so much burden will fall off me so that my mind can be more clear to do what I need for all these people around me. Please hear and act. Please hear and Act. PLEASE HEAR AND ACT!!
