"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life."- Prov 13:12
So, on June 1, 2011, I returned to work after spending 13.5 weeks simply enjoying my smoogum woogums. It was hard --- sooooooo hard. And I really should be quite ashamed of myself to even state that it was hard because I have been blessed to not only work full-time from home but also to be living with my parents - something a lot of 44 year olds would be ashamed about (not me!) - and my mother has joyfully taken on the role of caring for Jonathan while I'm working. So, I get the privilege of knowing he's in good hands AND I get to see him during the day. Just marvelous, amazing, outstanding - I can't thank my Father in heaven enough for pouring out His favor upon me in such an awesome way.
And yet - why does it still hurt so bad?
I realize that there are many career woman who experience the same reservations about returning to their career after baby, but once they're back in the swing of things, they relish having some semblance of their before-baby life back...the adult interaction, the ability to maybe wear something that doesn't get spit up on it for the bulk of the day, etc.. Yeah, there's the added work of getting baby ready for the sitters or daycare - all the evening prep and morning pulling it altogether - you and baby, and if you have older children (one of them being your hubby:->) - even more stuff to juggle -- but even with all that, the job becomes a sort of place that is just your own. In fact, some women actually sprint back to work - the monotony of just staying home with baby being so boring that they were literally pulling their hair out wondering how the heck ANYONE could be a stay-at-home mom???!!!
I could. Easily.
And that had always been my hope. Meet a nice guy, get married, have the baby - stay home with baby until he/she is in kindergarten. I held onto that hope for years and years and years - after 2 failed engagements and a couple of other serious relationships - I held onto that hope.
Then in about 2 shakes of a tail feather and a roll in the hay, that hope became - as adequately described in the proverb above - a hope deferred.
I'm a single mom now and that necessitates that I work. Simple. And the Lord has made it ABUNDANTLY EASY for me to work and take care of baby as a single mom. Some women would kill for what I've been blessed with, and some would even say that I am a stay-at-home mom, based on my work situation. But trust me, it's not the same. Anyway, regardless of how it appears and how I "should" be about it all (especially in this poor economy), a hope is a hope - no matter how greedy it might seem. When it's deferred it still hurts -- it still makes the heart sick. And my heart is very sick right now.
Maybe in a few weeks I'll feel better about it. I work with an awesome group of people and the best manager I've EVER had. The Lord has used her to bless me even further by leaving the Team Lead duties that I've owned for the past 4 years in the hands of my back-up until the end of the current release cycle (November). The writing work that I will be doing won't be a cake walk, and thus, I'll still be working late nights after baby is asleep, but it's slightly more manageable. Before baby, I worked 12-16 hour days, if not more. I literally was working like that up till I went into labor on 2/24/11. Just ridiculous, stressful hours - doing work that I don't really enjoy. Though the work demanded it, it was easy for me to work like that cause I'm anal as all get out, a people pleaser and a bit of a perfectionist. All traits that I thought might ultimately undermine me ever being a relaxed, blissful, take it as it goes mom (which, surprisingly, I pretty much am!) I started to believe that getting to 43 without a baby was God's ultimate will for my life because of how OCD I can be.
Thankfully, I was wrong. The hope for a child never wained -- it got tucked away a bit, and occassionally I would pull it out to sigh and stroke and sometimes weep a bit for it -- but it never disappeared. And the Lord did the amazing and miraculous and brought me this child - despite all my crazy shortcomings. While I was pregnant, I sensed that the thing I'd been searching for all my life - that sort of thing we label "calling" would be in this child - in the raising of this child. What I sensed has come to pass. Before Jonathan, I could never figure out what my purpose on earth was all about. Even a few weeks into Jonathan being here - in my arms - I was wondering about what ELSE I might be called to do here on earth. There are definitely some things I hope to do - like travel more - be a published writer - open a missionary retreat center - but those aren't my callings. However, Jonathan - he - this little one - to a little boy -- to a young man -- to a man of God -- he is my calling. During the 13 weeks I was home with him that became abundantly clear.
So, it seems so wearisome and sad for me that my calling is being disrupted by a job that really doesn't give me much, if any, soul satisfaction...despite the fact that I'm paid well and like I said above, work with amazing people and have the perfect work situation. Plus, it's all about Jonathan now and his well-being, right Kim? Screw your so called "calling" or sense of "purpose". Be grateful, grateful, grateful that you even have a job with benefits. It could be A LOT worse -- I mean, honestly!
And yet - given the opportunity to give it all back for the privilege of being their 100% for Jonathan in his first few years of life - I would do it in a heart beat. To be honest, I actually pray for that privilege even now...that the Lord in all his perfect wisdom, grace and mercy, would see fit to find a way for that to happen - despite how crazy a request it might be. I believe His word - "With man it is impossible - but not with God, with God, all things are possible!" (Mark 10:27)
Last night, in my devotion time, the Lord led me to a passage of scripture in Joshua 15. In the preceeding chapter, we have the faithful Caleb, who wholly followed the Lord God, reminding Joshua of Moses' promise to him about the land to be given to him because of his faithfulness (after exploring the promised land and returning with a good report - and declaring that the Lord would be with them to fight any foes that might rise up against God's people). So, he gets his land as promised - knowing that there are enemies on the land that he will have to drive out - and being confident that the Lord will enable him to do so.
In one part of the land, Kirath-sepher, he solicits help overtaking it by declaring that the man who can take this land will get the right to marry his daughter. Well, a courageous nephew stands up and conqueors the land and gets the girl.
I believe that Verses 16-19 in Chapter 15 validates my clinging onto this hope of stay-at-home motherhood so that the hope isn't deferred forever...clinging onto what might seem to be a very greedy, ungrateful request, Afterall, what else could I want from God -- hasn't He made it abundantly easy enough for me already - PLUS - he's poured out his grace in a beautiful, healthy child - none of which I deserve -- how can I have the nerve to ask for more. Well, Caleb's daughter gives me a glimpse into why I can:
"Caleb said, He who smites Kiriath-sepher and takes it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter as wife."
And Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb's brother, took it; and he gave him Achsah his daughter as wife.
When Achsah came to Othniel, she got his consent to ask her father for a field. Then she returned to Caleb and when she lighted off her donkey, Caleb said, "What do you wish?"
So, it seems so wearisome and sad for me that my calling is being disrupted by a job that really doesn't give me much, if any, soul satisfaction...despite the fact that I'm paid well and like I said above, work with amazing people and have the perfect work situation. Plus, it's all about Jonathan now and his well-being, right Kim? Screw your so called "calling" or sense of "purpose". Be grateful, grateful, grateful that you even have a job with benefits. It could be A LOT worse -- I mean, honestly!
And yet - given the opportunity to give it all back for the privilege of being their 100% for Jonathan in his first few years of life - I would do it in a heart beat. To be honest, I actually pray for that privilege even now...that the Lord in all his perfect wisdom, grace and mercy, would see fit to find a way for that to happen - despite how crazy a request it might be. I believe His word - "With man it is impossible - but not with God, with God, all things are possible!" (Mark 10:27)
Last night, in my devotion time, the Lord led me to a passage of scripture in Joshua 15. In the preceeding chapter, we have the faithful Caleb, who wholly followed the Lord God, reminding Joshua of Moses' promise to him about the land to be given to him because of his faithfulness (after exploring the promised land and returning with a good report - and declaring that the Lord would be with them to fight any foes that might rise up against God's people). So, he gets his land as promised - knowing that there are enemies on the land that he will have to drive out - and being confident that the Lord will enable him to do so.
In one part of the land, Kirath-sepher, he solicits help overtaking it by declaring that the man who can take this land will get the right to marry his daughter. Well, a courageous nephew stands up and conqueors the land and gets the girl.
I believe that Verses 16-19 in Chapter 15 validates my clinging onto this hope of stay-at-home motherhood so that the hope isn't deferred forever...clinging onto what might seem to be a very greedy, ungrateful request, Afterall, what else could I want from God -- hasn't He made it abundantly easy enough for me already - PLUS - he's poured out his grace in a beautiful, healthy child - none of which I deserve -- how can I have the nerve to ask for more. Well, Caleb's daughter gives me a glimpse into why I can:
"Caleb said, He who smites Kiriath-sepher and takes it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter as wife."
And Othniel son of Kenaz, Caleb's brother, took it; and he gave him Achsah his daughter as wife.
When Achsah came to Othniel, she got his consent to ask her father for a field. Then she returned to Caleb and when she lighted off her donkey, Caleb said, "What do you wish?"
Achsah answered, "Give me a present. Since you have set me in the Negeb, give me also springs of water. And he gave her the upper and lower springs." (Joshua 15:16-19)
In this passage of scripture, Achsah is my hero of boldness! This woman has been given a courageous husband, then gets a portion of land just by the asking - dry land, but land, nonetheless - and then has the extra boldness to ask for even more: some springs of water for that land. Her dad Caleb in this passage represents, for me, our Father in heaven - who, as demonstrated by Christ in the story of blind Bartimeaus - is only too willing to ask us, "What do you want me to do for you?" (Mark 10:51) Here Caleb simply says "What do you wish?" and she makes her request and he answers - not with one spring, but with two -- just like our Father in heaven who is always able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we could ever hope or dare to ask! (Eph 3:20)
So, I'm acting just like bold and greedy Achsah. Yes, I'm grateful beyond grateful for God's pouring out of grace, mercy and goodness in my life, through my work and my parents and Jonathan. I could never put into words how grateful I am. I just know that I'm not gonna let that stop me from asking for EXACTLY what I've hoped to have for so many years. I can let my hope be deferred for the time being, and my heart be sick in the wait, but I'm not gonna sell my all powerful, mighty, majestic, magnificant, awesome, glorious, merciful and gracious God short. I'm gonna do it like Jesus said we should:
"Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them."
In this passage of scripture, Achsah is my hero of boldness! This woman has been given a courageous husband, then gets a portion of land just by the asking - dry land, but land, nonetheless - and then has the extra boldness to ask for even more: some springs of water for that land. Her dad Caleb in this passage represents, for me, our Father in heaven - who, as demonstrated by Christ in the story of blind Bartimeaus - is only too willing to ask us, "What do you want me to do for you?" (Mark 10:51) Here Caleb simply says "What do you wish?" and she makes her request and he answers - not with one spring, but with two -- just like our Father in heaven who is always able to do exceedingly, abundantly, above all we could ever hope or dare to ask! (Eph 3:20)
So, I'm acting just like bold and greedy Achsah. Yes, I'm grateful beyond grateful for God's pouring out of grace, mercy and goodness in my life, through my work and my parents and Jonathan. I could never put into words how grateful I am. I just know that I'm not gonna let that stop me from asking for EXACTLY what I've hoped to have for so many years. I can let my hope be deferred for the time being, and my heart be sick in the wait, but I'm not gonna sell my all powerful, mighty, majestic, magnificant, awesome, glorious, merciful and gracious God short. I'm gonna do it like Jesus said we should:
"Have faith in God. For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be removed and be cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them."
I'm believing...to God be the GLORY!!
